it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
