Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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