if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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