remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
