Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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