it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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