i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
