I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
