Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
