I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
