smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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