I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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