Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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