oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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