If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
farters have to be the big spoon...
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
