Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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