two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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