It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
