I faked an abortion last night.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize