ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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