I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
