I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
