There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
