can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
