Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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