how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
