Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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