Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
