I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I checked into jail on foursquare
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
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