I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
