Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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