wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
