On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
