dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
