Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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