who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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