i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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