have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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