I never want to see another naked old woman again.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize