Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Couch. On fire.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
