she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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