You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Randomize
