So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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