while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
