there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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