I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
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