the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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