my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
