Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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