I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Randomize
