As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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