Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
