; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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