Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
