he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
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