Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
