pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
