You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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