Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
