I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Randomize
