Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
