If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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