God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Randomize
