we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
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